I know what you’re going to say: nobody can make you happy. Well, yes, true, but it’s also true that you won’t be happy with the wrong person so blah. This one’s for the boys…
1. MIND READING ABILITIES. Yes. Unfortunately women don’t like to ask for things or tell it straight, so telepathy is a must. Along with this one should be included reading between the lines and breath interpretation. God forbid you misinterpret that sigh!
2. EYES IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD. If it’s not obvious, then it should be. Men need to be “on the ready” and constantly alert to all kinds of “signals” provided by both their partners and the universe. Pay attention! We don’t want to have to draw you a map.
3. SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH. Of course! You are to be capable of rescuing us from any kind of danger, both real or imagined as well as fix any issue with the house, no matter how difficult. If you do not possess this strength then at least make up for it with industrial savvy.
4. HOPELESS ROMANTICISM. Flowers, details and sweet words. If you’re not sure what to do, then please employ the eyes in the back of your head and the mind reading abilities. Thank you!
5. PORN STAR CREATIVITY. Last,but certainly not least. I cannot stress enough the need to use all previous qualities in the bedroom. You will need to read minds, receive signals, fly like superman and say sweet things, all while performing like a stallion with brand-new weekly moves.
Please make sure you possess all 5 qualities before approaching the female sex. Thank you!