Why are my nipples so offensive?

I don’t wear a bra, at least, not regularly. Yes, I do own a few sets of gravity defying, wired, stuffed contraptions, but I don’t really like them, unless they belong to a set of pretty lingerie I wear for the sake of private sexiness and not on a regular basis. On a day-to-day, frankly, I’d rather go bare.

The truth is I don’t really need a bra. I have what is locally known as a pair of “huevos fritos” (fried eggs), which means I’m flat chested. My sized “A” gravity defying contraption laughs in my face when I wear it, daring me to stuff it further, as apparently my own material is lacking. Somewhere Victoria is laughing…

Ha! I reach behind me and put my hands up the back of my shirt, unhook the bra, take one strap out one arm and then the other, tossing Victoria’s little secret on the floor. I don’t need you!

Some days I don’t care… others, the old men staring at my chest, the offended faces of receptionists, the crank “happy birthday” comment from a way too confident friend, or even my conspicuous cover up with a jacket in the office, irritates me. Why are my nipples so offensive?

I think it’s my nipples. People don’t seem to mind breasts at all and apparently are inclined to larger versions of them, so the issue has to be the happy pointy nipples, right? I don’t understand. Men have nipples. Nobody tells them to cover them up. In fact, if any nipple should be offensive, it is the male nipple, for it seems to have no purpose whatsoever. My nipples, on the other hand, shot out milk every two hours like clockwork when my kids were babies. They are there for a purpose, a very good purpose, so why should I hide them and stuff them inside some push up something?

Frankly, I don’t see any good reason. It’s just like men and ties. Why on earth would you wear a noose around your neck all day? My huevos fritos say “no thank you”. I’m free. Even the hippie, organic loving, home birthing mothers have subtly commented on the lack of bra. Yup, even they wear something in order to hide their pointy nipples. Isn’t this some sort of hypocrisy?

Whatever… happy nipples don’t wear bras.  That’s Victoria’s Secret. Good day to all!

6 thoughts on “Why are my nipples so offensive?

  1. Luis Omar Perez says:

    jajajajajaja me mataste…. I wish I had a snappy intelligent comeback for this one but truth be told, its just a sexual taboo (women chest) and yes its arbitrary but its the establishment. Conservative women see it as tasteless, similar to old man having a pants too tight were their balls or dick are marked jajajaa you don’t want to see that right? Now taboos aside I say if your happy just let them be free… only conservative prudes will be offended…

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